As many of you know I have been blogging on and off for the last few years, however recently it’s been more “off” than “on”. As you may have figured out though, the lack of ranting is probably a good thing. Yes, I am still highly critical of our society and would love the opportunity to enact some change in our culture, but ever since Megan moved to D.C. and we got married last August I’ve (1) had someone to talk to every day so I haven’t felt the need to rant as much via the interwebz and (2) I’ve generally been pretty happy with life. It’s kind of amazing how all that works. Anyway, I still like the idea of the blog and so I have moved to tumblr to start again. Recently I've taken to writing my thoughts out through book reviews on Amazon.com, and since we have started to move away from watching T.V. (we finally canceled the cable subscription) I’ve been working through books faster than I can post about them. Since I can’t set up a wood working shop in an apartment tower, I’ve also started baking again as a means to satisfy the part of me that misses being a craftsman. If things go well, I might even venture into indoor agriculture when we have a little extra money. Since these have been the thoughts that have occupied my free time lately these are the things I intend to focus on with the new blog, rather than just using the space as a place to rant. I suspect I have some skeptics after this somewhat failed attempt, but we’ll see if I can make this last.
Anyway, if you would like to follow me at my new link you can find me at pauldholeva.tumblr.com. It's the start of a new chapter and I hope to see you there.
I think just about every week Megan tells me that she is disappointed that I haven't posted anything new in several months. I tell her it's largely her fault because she moved in with me, and now I get to talk to her about my thoughts each night rather than post them on the interweb. Regardless, I suppose there may be a few of you who still have this blog saved in some RSS/blog program, so I've decided to repost a comment I made on the AAG LinkedIn page the other day, responding to a comment about the importance of Geography and it's steady decline in our universities. Don't worry that this is reposted out of context, there really wasn't much to take from the rest of the discussion.
"First, I have to agree with Rick Marshall. I truly believe geography and/or geographic concepts are now more prevalent in our everyday lives, however I would suggest that it is this prevalence that has made "geography" as a discipline less significant in the minds of the future generation. As a young professional Geographer I can tell you that one of the things that attracted me to this discipline was its ease of application to my life. I grew up with the internet so the significance of place (and the differences that are associated with different places) became apparent to me at an early age. I could see the world from the corner of my house. While this helped my understanding of spatial distribution at a young age, it also taught me that distance (and therefore space) was not a significant obstacle to exploration or understanding. Technology has made the world smaller, and more accessible, to the people who can access the network. While it may be interesting to discuss how technology has changed our perception of space and time, the problem may be that it has also taken away the significance of "place". The functional world is becoming digital. Whether I am in D.C. or Bangkok I can access the same virtual spaces, the same communication tools, the same information sources, and talk to the same people... and I can do this no matter where they are. As a result, some have suggested then that there is now a new, virtual geography for geographers to explore, but the problems/complexities of this new geography are no longer specialized. Since just about everyone in the developed world now interacts, to at least some degree, with this virtual environment, the problems which were originally left to the professional geographers are now being negotiated by all of its users. It's not a specialized discipline when everyone does it, and while I know this is not a new threat to the discipline it may become a more significant threat by the fact that technology is simultaneously making traditional geography less significant while also allowing users to create the new geography themselves in a virtual environment. There is no need to study geography as a formal academic discipline when the world it looks at is outdated, and the new virtual geography is known and understood at a very young age.
We are going to have to confront these problems if we wish to to continue as a formal, respected discipline, and to recruit a future generation of geographers to follow in our footsteps."
Let me follow-up by saying that I hope I am wrong about the direction my chosen discipline is heading, although I cannot deny what I am seeing this current wave of technology do to our culture. Although I think it is great that people have almost instant access to information to make informed decisions, I also cannot deny that it has had a negative affect on human attention spans, average memory response times, the social politics of (and psychological health associated with) human interaction, and the psychological and emotional stress that results from the lack of "instance gratification" in areas of our life not controlled by electronic stimulation. Moreover, our senses our being dulled because we only have one primary type of stimulation in our lives now, and that is electronic. Yes, we can see, explore, and interact with real world entities through the use of these electronics, however the direct physical and psychological interaction that we are experiencing is only with the electronic device and the soft glow of it's LCD touch screen. We are not digital entities. We are living, breathing, emotional entities that have evolved from a natural environment, not a virtual one, and all of our biological and chemical devices that have genetically evolved to give us a full life of diverse experiences are being truncated by our consumeristic desires to have more, and to have it faster. Perhaps we don't notice the change anymore because everyone is changing together, and it is changing at such a rate that a single generation cannot observe the effects that its technology had on them before a new technology takes over and no one can identify what tool had what impact on it's user group.
Before I venture too far down that road I should say that I am not against all technology. Many technologies have dramatically improved our lives by helping us maintain a clean, safe, and healthy environment. However, I do not buy into this idea of "progress" and that we are moving forward towards some inevitably technological utopia that is supposed to better the lives of all of its users. Technology is supposed to help us, and at a certain point I think the balance between help and hurt shifted, perhaps without our conscious understanding of what was going on. The use of technology should be a conscious decision, and these days I'm not sure that it is, at least not to the upcoming generation whose members are trying to identify the skills necessary to get a successful job so they to can pursue the American Dream. Even if we cannot reverse the impact that some of the existing technology has done to our society, I think we should at least be cognitively aware of the choices we are making when we blindly accept new technologies as "good". The adaptation of technology should be a conscious, informed decision. Perhaps it's the fact that no one seems to be having this discussion that concerns me most...
Tomorrow is the big move, and I am currently sitting on the back porch watching the traffic speed by and listening to what I believe is the Zac Brown Band playing over the nearby high school stadium loud speaker. At this moment I am very content, and really I just wanted to tell all of you that. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end of my transitional period, and while I will miss living at Alan's place I am very excited to move into the place that Megan and I will soon be able to call home. 3 years. It's been 3 insanely long years and finally, after a handful of moves and some of the more stressful experiences of my life, I get to close this chapter and resume the life I had once again. After such a time apart I know it will be a long and challenging road, but I know it will be great. I am ready, and I am happy.
"First and foremost, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Right after I told you I’d write more Megan and I lost both our apartment and the church for our wedding in one day, so I’ve been a little busy the last few days trying to get everything back on track. Luckily now things are. As I started saying in the previous e-mail though, I think your response is spot on. There is definitely a cycle and I am well aware of it, which is probably the most frustrating part of these reflections. There is an internal struggle between my two visions of what I believe life could/should be. That being said, I think you were a little off in your observation that I am consciously choosing to play by societies rules thinking that will lead me to happiness. Historically, I think it is accurate to state that I have chosen the safe path, but I do not think that I have ever thought it would lead me to emotional happiness. Actually, I think most of the time I have been fully aware that my choices would not likely lead me to emotional happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this statement lately to make sure this is really accurate, and I believe it is. It seems a little weird I suppose, but as I think back on the choices I have made and the reasons I have made them personal happiness was never the primary reason (except, perhaps, my decision to marry Megan). So I guess logically I should stop complaining because I made my choices knowing what the logical outcome would be, but then again I suppose knowing that doesn’t end the feeling of the void…
Anyway, so the next question then is why did I make the choices I did if personal happiness was not the motive? You expressed to me that you didn’t understand many of the major life choices I made over the last few years, and although you did not ask for an explanation I thought perhaps you might be interested in the why. Sadly, I suppose, both major decisions you referred to were made purely on financial motives. When Miami made me the offer it was the only job offer I had received. With student loans needing to be repaid and my father newly unemployed, my only other option was to return home and put another strain on my parents while I tried to find another job. Also, if I found another job odds are it would be in Ann Arbor and I knew that Megan didn’t want to move to Ann Arbor at that point because it is not a good environment for her to find theater work. So when Miami gave the offer the choice seemed pretty obvious. Yes, I knew that going back to school would help advance my career in the long run and I thought that it might eventually help me get a job I love, but at the time the choice was purely a financial one. Also, I have a personal feeling of responsibility to be as successful as I can be so that I will have the means to take care of my loved ones, and I figured this would help me reach that point (or at least increase my odds). I guess I could also say I made the choice to go to USACE for the exact same reasons. Again, I had peppered the New England region with resumes but only really had one offer, and although it was not my dream job it pays me enough to take care of my debt and might eventually allow me to help out my family. I love them all so I’m doing what I can to position myself in a way that might allow me to take care of them when the time comes. Also, D.C. is an environment where Megan’s likelihood of theatrical employment is pretty good, so when that offer came it seemed like a good place to finally start our professional lives together.
Despite me previous post the interesting thing is that I don’t think I’d change a thing even if I had it to do all over again. Despite the fact that I am not satisfied with most of the aspects of my life right now, I am proud to say that I am doing everything I can to take care of my business. As discussed before, there are 2 very different world views within me that are constantly in conflict, and because of that I’m fairly certain that regardless of where I am at I am likely going to be unhappy because one half of my personal philosophies will not be being fulfilled. That being said, I think I’ve chosen well because at least this way I am able to pay the bills, put food on the table and a roof over our heads, pay down our debt, provide healthcare to my loved ones, etc. If I had chosen the other path then perhaps I could have felt better about going to my job every morning, but I likely would have been stressed at the end of the day because I would be constantly stuck behind the debt, living paycheck to pay check and never really being able to get ahead in the game. While I know there are more important things in life than money, it is sadly something that is very important to me and has a very significant impact on my emotional stability and anxiety. If I’m going to have to live with internal conflict regardless of my life choice, I might as well be able to put a roof over my head and take care of my loved ones financially.
I don’t know… I am sure this is a little weird given who I was back in the day, but all things considered I think I’m doing pretty well. Maybe I should put out more of these emotions in the blog because I know I only tend to write when I’m stressed out and in a poor mood. The bottom line is that I still have many of those same characteristics that I used to express. I still want to help people, and I think I do, just in a different way these days. Several people at work have already told me that they confide in me, and I know I played a similar role with my cohorts at Miami. I very much enjoy this role when I get to play it. There is something about providing things to people I care about that makes me happy, even if the means of provision are often less than fulfilling.
Anyway, I’m not entirely sure where this is going (which I guess is a characteristic of most of my writing) but there it is. I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t think my problems are a lack of listening to my guts. I actually think I’m probably one of the most self-reflexive people I know… but I guess if you don’t know the debate going on in my head (which I wouldn’t really expect anyone to know) then perhaps my decisions can seem a little irrational at times."
As always your thoughts, comments, and questions are welcome.
Over the last few months I have been trying to think of something to write about for this blog, and ideas have come and gone but obviously I haven’t gotten my thoughts together enough to post anything. To give you a brief update, nothing has really changed. Work is still ill-defined; the people are still very cool but the projects are still nebulous and provide no feeling of satisfaction. As before, things continue to change weekly so I hold out hope that things will get better over time. There is some talk of big changes soon, but then again I suppose that kind of talk has been going on since I walked through the doors. That seems to be what we do though. Talk. I can’t say we’ve ever really gotten anything done. At least not the project I’ve worked on. Anyway…
Other than that I’m currently prepping for a big move. I’m moving out of my current house-share and into a 2 bedroom apartment that Megan and I will share when she gets down here in May. We have a really nice l place picked out down in Lorton, VA and I’m really looking forward to finally having a place of our own. I know at one point we owned enough furniture to fill an apartment but I guess over the last few years we have been slowly losing possessions, so the big game lately has been trying to acquire a handful of items to put into the apartment. Currently the search has focused on Craigslist but I will hopefully be buying real furniture in the near future, although we have decided to avoid big purchases until Megan finds a job down here. She has received a lot of good feedback from potential employers so we’re optimistic, but she doesn’t have anything solid yet. I have a feeling that once she is here though things will fall together. Anyway, that has pretty much been the update on the big move and after 3 years apart I am definitely looking forward to living in the same area as my fiancée.
Beyond that, the professional life has had an interesting impact on my psyche. A little while back (actually a previous failed attempt at a blog update) I had the realization that I’ve really wandered away from who I was in High School, or even who I was at NMU. I’ve lost touch with nature and it seems to have left a massive hole in my spirit. I’m still working though what this all means, but in the mean time here is a section of the previous unpublished post that I wrote during the event:
“I saw the stars tonight for the first time since I moved to the D.C. area. I have decided that this is not a commentary on the area but rather a commentary on a change in my behavior since I arrived here. At this point I suppose I should give you fair warning, I have no idea where this is going. Normally I at least have my general point worked out mentally before I start typing, but in this case, not so. Anyway, I just walked outside and the sky was beautiful, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen stars in awhile. This was weird to me because I remember how important nature was to me when I was younger. There were nights in Michigan when I would just hang outside and stare at the sky for a while, and without question I felt a connection to the environment. This was such a common experience for me that I’m sure I took it for granted, and that is probably why it’s been 7 months and it wasn’t until now that I realized this was missing from my life. I’m not 100% sure what this means yet but I felt the need to share…”
So yeah, I guess if you want to know where my head is at these days that might be a pretty good read. For years I spent my free time thinking about the type of person I wanted to be; thinking about my place in the universe and my role in society. Lately it seems that these thoughts are not as frequent. I’ve lost sight of the something more and I’m beginning to think that maybe there is something about the city that forces our attention away from nature, and that this may in fact be a very bad thing for society. I feel like this theory requires more time and thought than I have at the moment so hopefully I can return to this soon. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong… maybe it’s not nature but Megan. Maybe our separation is the hole. I’m not sure but I guess if that is the case time will soon tell. But the bottom line is that I don’t have the same life focus I used to. I don’t feel like I am living life any more, when in reality I’m probably “living life” by society’s standard more so than I ever have before.
My buddy Craig said something one time that has stuck with me to this day. It was after he left for army training; we we’re talking about how life was different in the army because everything is provided. Despite the fact that he has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, he told me he disliked the army lifestyle because there was no risk. I laughed and asked him what the hell he meant, and he commented that the real challenge in life was trying to live… to play the everyday game of life and do it successfully. For years I thought there might be some truth to this but I’m living the dream and I’ve never felt so empty.
Anyway, this was not meant to be a downer piece, but rather just to express the state of confusion I currently find myself in. Make no mistake, I’m one lucky bastard, and I know it. I played the game, played it well actually, and I was lucky enough to find a job that actually pays me enough to “live the dream”… which is more than I can say for some of my colleagues, who I would argue might actually be more deserving. I also have a woman I love, who loves me in return, and somehow we managed to make it through 3 years of distance. If things go well and she secures a job here soon, we might actually be able to get our heads above water financially as well. In these times I could not imagine asking for more. I’m a lucky son of a bitch and I know it. I honestly just hope that someday I will have the opportunity to be able to give to others the opportunities that we’re given to me.
Despite this understanding, in the end I am left with the following thoughts: I need a job that allows me to work with people, to get things done, to help others get the things they need. I need to reconnect with nature because it is there that I have had my most spiritual awakenings and truly experienced the greatness of God. I need to be reconnected with my better half and to perhaps focus on a family… something greater than myself. I need to take a step back and reassess my life so I can figure out where I need to go next because I’ve played the game and beat the system, and it took me where society told me I needed to be, and it in and of itself is empty.
So it's been well over a month since my last post, and I think by now it is safe to say that I have a pretty good grasp of my new life (well at least for now, until Megan moves down here). So far, despite my promise to try and embrace this new opportunity, I'm still really not that into it. I mean, don't get me wrong, for a city I like Alexandria and D.C. has so much to offer. And the people I work with truly are great (without question they are the single best part about my new life) but something about it just doesn't feel right. I pursued a career with the government because I have this never ending urge to "serve", and one of the key things that everyone mentioned when I first met them in Vegas was the sense of pride they had in serving our troops ("those who serve our country"). However, since my arrival, I don't feel like I have done anything to serve anyone outside my building (and I hardly feel like I have accomplished anything for the people within my building either). It's hard to stay motivated when your job is to come in and search through doctrine to create a diagram that will likely never be seen by anyone outside my group, and then will very likely be shelved as a deliverable that no one asked for. I mean, I do have some work for a contractor which may be promising, but its still pretty much tech work and not really what I thought I was getting myself into. I relate more to the intelligence community than I do to the engineers, but unfortunately I was brought in to kind of bridge the gap between those 2 communities and I don't think that anyone really believes that's possible... people are just fighting change, and I have a very strong fear that the project I am on will fail to amount to anything useful, will lose funding, and then I will no longer have a place in this organization unless I learn a programming language or something. And to be honest, I think I would rather be jobless then become a strictly tech guy (and no offense to those of you who enjoy the tech stuff. You do great things; it's just not for me). So I guess we'll see what happens... I hope that when I eventually move myself into an administrative position (project leadership, etc.) then things will become a little more fulfilling for me, and maybe that will change things for the better... but for now it's becoming difficult to push myself through the day. I just have to keep reminding myself that I came in during a "transitional period" and that once things get moving under the new leadership, I'll have a chance to begin shaping the project myself and hopefully then I will have more of a personal investment in my work.
Other than that, life has really been pretty good. This weekend was Oktoberfest at the base and it was a great time... good food, live music, and several of my work colleagues who we're very enjoyable to hang out with. I have also recently fallen into a new camera, so I have decided to work on photography as a new hobby. One of my fellow colleagues, Jason, is an avid photographer so hopefully he can show me a few things and I can stimulate my creative side a little after work. Hmmm... I don't think much else noteworthy has happened, except for a few trips into the district. Last weekend there was a buffalo wing competition to support the D.C. Firefighters Burn Foundation, so I happily contributed to that worthy cause and got several hours of great food to boot. Alan also dragged me into the District that weekend as well to show me a little of the D.C. nightlife, which was also a good time... and happily there are no major noteworthy stories (read "arrests") from that evening.
So yeah, as you can see I really have very little to complain about regarding this new life, other than the fact that something just doesn't feel right. I miss the nature. I miss long rides through the lands "inbetween the places". I miss just walking the shoreline when I was bored, and working my thoughts to the shallow crash of waves against the docks. I miss the feel of a small town with a shared history. D.C. definitely has a history but it's a transitional one... I get the feeling that people come to serve their time and then depart (much as I myself plan on doing), and then the next group comes in and remakes the wheel the way they see fit. It's a healthy business model I suppose since there will always be jobs correcting the previous groups "mistakes", but I often have the feeling of "nowhere" when I am here. Maybe it's just because I don't have a history here... but on second thought, it bothers me that I cannot find a "local neighborhood bar" anywhere around me. Where do the people who actually live here go? Isn't there a place that's not themed or geared for tourists? The local places are where you find the true feeling of the town... and frankly I'm not sure it exists here, at least not as I understand it (although I must accept that a shared transitional history is still a shared history, and it may just be something that I don't enjoy that others here do). Anyway, it was not my intention to rant about this tonight, but I suppose it's good to let the heart guide every now and then...
So, anyway, with that I end tonight and as always promise to try and provide more updates more often, but as always you should expect that I will fail in this task... so look back in a month or so and hopefully I'll have something new by then :). Until then I will say goodnight to dream of my small town life by the lake, and wonder if I'll ever be able to achieve it happily... friends by my side and a happy Megan... or if our desires are so different that compromise will take us places that neither of us wish to be... but I suppose that if we are lucky, we'll at least be together on the journey through nowhere. Hopefully that will be enough. I'm just not sure, but I suppose the uncertainty is life.
So, like most of my posts I have written and rewritten this post several times, each time losing focus and ranting extensively on a topic that was not my central focus when I began. As I mentioned in my last post, these last few weeks and travel and transition have given me a lot of time to think about things: broadly the past, where I am now, how I got here, and where I am going. I keep retuning to this concept that I am going to refer to as “the idea of Marquette”, and I’ll explain why I call it that in a little bit. It’s actually a theory about relationships, and this applies both to relationships between multiple people and relationships between people and non-human entities. This theory originated back in my early years at NMU when a sort-of relationship triangle exploded and many people who were “in love” with other people had their hearts broken. Some of these feelings were so strong that I would say they were bordering on obsession, and that is what interested me at the time. After thinking about it and discussing things with many of the individuals involved, it occurred to me that most people attract themselves not to other people, but to an idea of that other person. We take the partial knowledge that we are given about an individual and we form an emotional bond to it, even though this is highly irrational and many of our preconceived notions about this other person (or who we think this other person is) are often very much false. To some extent this is how most relationships work, and why most fall apart: someone thinks they know a person but eventually the other person acts outside the original person’s preconceived belief of who the second individual really is, and they feel betrayed, etc. As far as my limited experience has been, this idea still stands.
So why am I telling you this? No, Megan and I are not having problems… it is just that I have noticed a lot of similar emotional responses within myself through this most recent transition, and in hindsight, during my transition from Marquette to Oxford. Most of the time I was in Marquette I was depressed and miserable. I had a few good friends (great friends actually) but generally speaking I had high expectations of the people that I was going to meet and interact with in college, and for the most part many of them let me down (although admittedly many of them did not know they were doing so, and this is not to pass judgment on any of them… They lived their lives the way they chose to and I respect that; these issues were within me). I was so bummed out with my life at Northern that there were multiple points within my time there that I considered dropping out or moving home, and those feeling had little to do with the school itself. Yet when I moved to Oxford, OH, the only thing I wanted my first semester at Miami was to be back up north. Yeah, I hated most of the people but I missed the feel of the town, the sound and smell of Superior’s nature, and the feeling that we were removed from most of the rest of the world… or at least that is what I thought I missed. In reality I don’t remember if I felt this way while I was there. Most likely I did not and this was my romanticized love for Marquette because I was no longer there; no longer required to deal with the stuff that I didn’t like, face to face, every day. I was simply left to my ideals, and my ideals told me that I would have rather been unhappy with something I was familiar with than deal with the stress of the transition.
Eventually I got passed it and made some great friends at Miami as well. I even learned to love the quaintness of the town and somehow embraced the fact that we were culturally stranded in a Midwestern corn field. Yet it happened again when I moved from Oxford to Alexandria, and that last sentence or two should serve as a proof. Most of the time I was in Oxford I wasn’t happy about it, but it was temporary so I swallowed my discontent and worked through my 2 year sentence. Yet even being consciously aware of that fact I have still spent much of this last week wishing I could be back at Miami. I’m not really sure why I feel this way, but I believe that “the idea of Marquette” followed me again. Things have gotten better after the first week, but the first few days I hated the somewhat sprawling landscape… hated the pace… hated the traffic and the noise… and part of me wanted to justify this all like I did Miami: It’s only temporary. But this time, it’s not. Maybe this specific house, but as far into the future I can see, this town and this job will be my life. I don’t consider myself a commit-a-phoebe, but that’s kind of a scary thought for someone who has lived “in transition” for the past 6 years. I suppose all life is transition though, ever changing…
Anyway, I am not really sure where that was intended to go but those were some of the thoughts that I have been having since I got here. As before, things are already getting a little better and I am sure it is only a matter of time before I find my comfort here, but I couldn’t help but laugh at myself when I realized that I was treating my old lives like lost girlfriends: idealizing their characteristics and believing there could have been a future when everything inside told me it couldn’t last while I was there. It’s time to move forward though. As hard as it can be for me to not look into the past sometimes and ask myself “what could have been?” I suppose this opportunity, this experience, is most important now. My new goal is to try and embrace the new opportunities I get every day, even when change is not desired. Don’t sacrifice the gift of change; this is my challenge now.
Well it's been over a month and a lot has happened, yet nothing really noteworthy enough to post about. I finished up work at Buhr for the summer, and then proceeded to move stuff from OH to MI, from MI to OH, and from both locations to my new place in VA (which I just arrived at a few days ago). Other than packing and moving, I also had a chance to catch up with friends all across the northern midwest region, sharing a few beers and saying our temporary goodbye's. Besides that, things have been surprisingly uneventful. I did attempt to self-install a hitch on the jeep, which ended up being a week long, glorious disaster which ended when I dropped the jeep off at the dealer and begged them to fix my work the day before I was schedule to leave. Luckily they had the parts I needed and were able to fix and install everything that I worked on for a week, in about 2 hours. After that, the move went smoothly... and for those of you who ever have the chance to make the trip, the route between northern WV and across northern MD is by far one of the most beautiful routes I have ever driven (I do not, however, recommend making the trip with a full trailer and a 4 cylinder vehicle). Once I arrived, my new roommates helped me unload and then we we're off to a house party... not a bad way to be welcomed to the neighborhood. Anyway, I've since moved into my room and am more or less killing time until Monday, when I report for my first day with the Army Corps of Engineers.
So that's that... with the amount of down time I had had recently, there are other things I want to discuss, but more will come when I've had some time to get my thoughts in order...
Well after a wise crack from my fiance' I suppose it's time for a much needed update. For those of you who don't know yet (which I believe you all do because most of you found this through facebook, and I have kept that updated far better) I did get a tentative job offer from TEC (the D.C. gig). I say tentative because even now, a month into the process, I'm still going through authorization paperwork before my formal start date of August 3rd. My formal title will be Geographer, with a working title of "project intern" until I pass my security clearance. All in all I am really happy to finally have a real job, although it is still a little bit of a bummer because Megan has one more year out in MA and will not be joining me in VA until next spring. We have decided to keep out August 2010 wedding date though so shortly after that we should be a happily married couple. Other than that I can't tell you much more about the job because I'm not sure of the specifics of my project yet, but I'll try to keep you posted with as much as I can legal share, when I know it.
In terms of this summer, things have been well. I just bought my first vehicle. It's a brand new 2009 Jeep Patriot and I absolutely love it. The timing couldn't be better either because I have 2 weeks left working for the city of Ann Arbor and then I have to make a week long trip back to OH to tie up my loose ends down there, before roadtriping to VA to find a place to live... and then back to MI for 1-2 weeks before moving to VA permanently. So those of you in the area who wanted to hang out while I was back in MI, no worries... I'm not running away quite yet. Working the pool has been fun though, although I am working both Cashier and Day Camp now so I have not had as much time to work on my thesis as I suspected. I have a few days coming up in the near future here though so hopefully I will be able to put the last few changes on it and close that chapter of my life. We'll see... wish me luck.
I suppose that's all I really have for now. Life, as always, is work and more work. I have been spending quite a bit of time with my good friends Matt and Jess, which I am very happy about. I'm still working on trying to get all of my friends recentralized in one place again, but unless I find them all jobs in DC (which is a possibility) it may have to wait a few years before we can work it out. Either way I have really enjoyed seeing them again, as often as I have been. Anyways, as I said that's about all for now. My father just finished the first summer semester at EMU yesterday so we're all going out for a beer in a few... so on that note, I hope all is well on your end, and good night for now. ~Paul
(P.S. I have noticed that there is some delicious irony to this blog by now... I called it "The Good Life..." with the intention of using this as a place to rant about the political, economic, and academic absurdities of the world yet my last few post have been personal and life for me, at least for now, is phenomenal. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I have good reason to rant again, but for the time being I will simply leave you with that...)
So I'm sitting in my hotel room just outside of D.C., and after my last post (and since my interview was today) I thought it was appropriate to update you all with another post. Despite my hesitations, everything went very well today (or so I believe) and I actually think that I could be very happy here. I even got to take a half hour and re-work some of my research thoughts with two of my potential future co-workers, and one of them mentioned that a good portion of what they do is reading, conceptualizing new ideas, and discussing ways to practically implement them in brainstorming sessions. Moreover, the goal of many of these programs is to find ways to do things (examples: incorporating time sensitive dynamic qualitative data into a quantitative GIS structure) that have never been done before, at least not well. The idea of putting my mind to use towards unprecedented work that could actively reshape the way we utilize geospatial technology is an amazing concept, and although I'm sure its a little over dramatic and idealized as well, those are the goals that these people have and are actively working to achieve. We spend most of our time in the classroom actively discussing the idealized theory of how to change the world, and then most of us leave the institution and accept positions that never really allow us to devote our time to that sort of research and exploration. Here, it seems that I could make a living trying to change things... trying to make them better. I don't know, I guess part of me had accepted that that wasn't going to happen. That I was going to end up taking an office job, or a city position somewhere that would have allowed me to make an impact on peoples lives but that wasn't necessarily going to encourage me to tackle the big questions with any sort of practical output. I'm excited by the possibilities I suppose, and its a world of possibilities that is at my fingertips and not just in the idealized philosophies that I construct on my own time and have now practical output. Anyway, there has not been an offer or anything yet so perhaps I am jumping the gun with this enthusiasm but I left today being very hopeful of the future, and after my last message I wanted to share the happy thoughts with you all as well. And most importantly, thank you to those of you who expressed your support.
So, God has been kind enough to bless me with a job interview... and I'm really messed up about it. It's with the Army Corps of Engineers in Alexandria, VA, and for those of you who I have kept in touch have probably just realized that it is not in Lowell, MA, where my fiancé' is and where I had every intention of going to when I finished here. I am decidedly not happy about this fact, and despite the thesis defense and a law final I believe this is the real reason I haven’t slept well in two nights and my anxiety is through the roof. Granted, I haven’t actually been offered a job yet but they are flying me out and paying for the hotel room for two nights... all before I ever even applied for a position... so I think I have a few reasons to feel good about this trip. In all honesty it could be one of the few positions that would allow me to do exactly what it is I have been studying to do the last 6 years, yet I am torn because it takes me away from my friends and family in MI and my fiancé' in MA. I'm also torn because I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for out of life yet. Some day’s I think I'm ready for the big leagues; ready to take on D.C. and to try and actually take on the world. Yet some days I miss the slow paced lifestyle of the U.P. where the bulk of my day involved enjoying nature and just trying to make it, living with the land and doing what you can to help your fellow yoopers make it through another day. Especially after the barrage of health issues I have had this year (and subsequently being forced to contemplate my mortality at the age of 24) I'm not opposed to taking a step back and working below my training if it means I can get the chance to live in the same town as my loved ones again. Anyway... I'm really messed up about this because it could be the greatest opportunity I've ever received, but I'm not sure it's what I want right now. I guess I need to wait to see if I even get an offer or not, but I have been thinking a lot about the future and this situation is really starting to weigh on me. I guess I just needed to vent...
Since I have received some concerns about my health since the last post (which I appreciate; thank you) I just wanted to post a quick update and let everyone know that apparently the 8 pill cocktail I was on for 10 days did the trick with my lung. Still not entirely sure what happened but I seem to be back to my semi-functional state for the time being. If I can manage to finish my thesis and successfully defend by the end of this semester without stroking out from the blood pressure, I think I'll call this whole grad school thing a success and move on with my life. While it's definitely not where I thought I would be after 6 years of college, I am somewhat excited to be heading back to Ann Arbor for this summer and working at Buhr Pool again until I find a real job. I'm seriously looking forward to a few months of mindless work after 2 years of a theory based marathon. Plus, it's looking like Megan will be back in MI for the summer as well so it will be nice to be in the same state as my fiance' again (even if she will still be 3 hours away... better than 20). Anyway, that is all for now... for those of you who enjoyed the more academic/argumentative portions of this blog I promise to be back up and running with the heavy stuff as soon as this semester is over. Actually, that's another thing I'm looking forward to this summer... reading and talking about the stuff I want to read, and not the stuff I have to read. Bring on that stockpile of quantum theory and game theory books I have been saving for a rainy day... (I know, I'm a dork... can't help it...)
So, what is one to do when they are up in the middle of the night without the ability to lay down or the proper coherency to conduct real work yet? Update the blog, of course...
First thing first. The AAG conference in Vegas last week was a mixed bag. It was nice to get out of Oxford and to hang out with some of my peers. I had a number of good discussions, reminded myself why it was that I was not pursuing academia as a career anymore, and put atleast 5 resume's in the hands of potential employers (which since there were only about 9 recruitment booths at the conference, and I am not strictly GIS or some sort of engineer, I'm calling a win). That being said, Vegas as a city blows (atleast based on my minimal experience stuck on "The Strip"). However, I'm still convinced that if I could have gotten off the main drag and found some real locals then maybe the place wouldn't have been so bad (Evidence: the guy managing the 7-11 and my waitress at Denny's were cool). Getting back to The Strip though: it is the true definition of a geography of nowhere, even more so than Kuntsler's use of the phrase for the low-density suburban development of the last couple decades. Everything was fake, tacky, shallow... there was nothing that I saw that I could honestly say "this is Vegas". Everything was some sort of sales pitch, or charade' representing something real (i.e. the mini Eiffel tower, or the indoor mini-New York themed casino/mall thing). One might be able to argue that this absence of anything authentic is "Vegas" at it's purest (the pinnacle of consumerist society), however I just cannot bring myself to accept that. Something off the strip has to be worth seeing, and I intend to find it should I ever return. For now though, I'm done having hispanic families (and I do mean families... members of all ages, genders, etc.) trying to sell me prostitution... and for the record, I never once saw an Elvis, which should be a sin on behalf of the Vegas leisure planning industry (and I say that not being a fan of Elvis or his music in any way, shape, or form).
I feel like I am getting long winded without a real point here... I must be tired (either that or I am losing the fight to the pain medication. The bottom line, I guess, is that I really like places to have an authentic character to them, and Vegas (or atleast the part I saw) most certainly did not. Perhaps that is why I loved the U.P. so much. Each town up there was about as authentic as you can get... a rich history of people doing what they could to survive. It meant something to be a yooper. It did not (or atleast did not appear to) mean anything to call the Vegas strip home. Anyway, that was Vegas... Perhaps I'll write more as thoughts become more coherent. Despite my dislike of the strip there is truly something awesome (meant in the true sense of the word, and not the slang vernacular) about how we can operate such a monstrosity in the middle of what is truly a dessert.
Other than that life has continued to throw me curve balls. I'm not sure if it is something I picked up in Vegas or if I sustained some sort of injury in a mid-night seizure of some sort but I managed to pinch a nerve in my shoulder and upper back, as well as do something to my right lung so that right now I am essentially operating on just over 1 lung and cannot lay down (because of the pain). Worst case scenerio the Dr. Say's I might have popped an air sack and that I might have a slow leak in my lung... but for now we're hoping its just an infection of some sort. Anyway, so I've been trying to sleep in my broken lazyboy, which has not been working well, but does get us back to my opening line about why I am up far later than my "old man" bedtime (or so Megan likes to call it). I will try not to complain too much, but between my broken computer, the cancer scare, the hypertension and high blood pressure, and thrown lower back (again), and now the lung thing... it's been one hell of a semester. I've always been a big guy with some obvious health concerns (i.e. weight) but I have typically been really lucky with my health. I guess God decided I was due for a few problems I guess. Anyway, I will take the hand I am dealt and do what I can with it, but in case any of you thought you saw me wheezing somewhere between my apartment and my office yesterday I just want to let you know that you were right... That was all me.
Okay, enough late night personal ranting for now... I really want to say I will come back with another interesting article/stance on current events but I'm supposed to graduate in 6 weeks and it’s not looking like I'm going to make it... so you may hear from me again, or I may fall off the face of the Earth until everything is done. We'll see. The one thing I can promise you is that I am definitely interested in planning a short vacation for when I finally finish this M.A. thing, so let me know if you want in on my travel plans and I'll try to stop by to see you.
For now, (*short breath issues) I say "Good (*short breath issues) Night"
So it’s been a little while since my last post, and to be honest, not much has really happened... at least nothing that has inspired a new rant against the world... but it’s gorgeous outside, its St. Patty's day (the mother of all great holidays), I'm on Black and Tan number 3, and I couldn't be in a better mood right now. I made a trip to Lowell/Boston last week to see my fiancé' over spring break (for those interested, we are still holding strong and happy together, despite the almost 2 years of distance. We're beating the odds, and therefore the odds and stick it...) and I now understand why she wants to keep her job out there. She has a great group of people out in Lowell and I hope that I can find work out that way so she can keep her job and we can make enough money to live. Then, I came back to Ohio just in time to catch the St. Patty's day celebration in Cincinnati on Saturday and saw some wonderful authentic Irish celebration with some of my great friends here at Miami. Things then got back into full swing and now I'm putting together my presentation for the AAG national conference in Las Vegas next week and, as before, enjoying some amazing weather over some of the greatest product Ireland has to offer. So, to change the pace of this blog some more, I just wanted to tell you all that life is good (at least for the day since I have let my anxiety subside) and I hope you all take some time to enjoy life today as well. And, I guess with that... Cheers!
So I know I have taken this blog thing as kind of a ranting space, which has been helpful to me at times, but I also know that this makes this blog something of a downer to read (besides the fact that I am usually so busy that I fail to follow up on my intentions... i.e. the New School/NYU discussion). Anyway, a little while back I was flipping through some blogs of old friends on mine from High School and I realized that perhaps I should put something a little more personal in here, since perhaps some of you may be interested in who I have become over the last 6-7 years, as I was with the people who's blogs I was flipping through. I wrote a couple of different draft post but most of them were insanely long and tended to lose focus about half way through, so they never made the cut. Today, however, I'm writing just because I feel the need to talk and hopefully the thoughts on my mind will provide that personal insight I was hoping for.
So, yesterday I was informed that my summer funding was no longer a guarantee and that, despite the fact that I have an apartment lease through August, I will not likely have an income if I am forced to stay in Oxford to finish my M.A. this summer. Moreover, I am scheduled to present my work at the national conference of the AAG in Las Vegas in a few weeks and I have not come close to finalizing my conclusions. I am in a high stress long distance relationship with my with fiancé' who is roughly 1100 miles away, and since we are both broke we are about to enter an even higher stress period of our relationship since we are not sure when or how we might ever manage to get jobs in the same city again with this economy. Finally, this semester I was informed that at the age of 24 my anxiety had finally caught up to me and I now have hypertension, so all this stress could, in all reality, actually kill me. I know this seems like a bit of a downer start when I started this post saying that I didn't want it to always go in that route, but the reason I say this is because I am at that point where I'm breaking down (not worries, its temporary... happens most semesters as I’m sure any one of you who have been through college understands) and, as I did back in High School, I find myself drowning myself in music. I came across this version of the song "Hallelujah" this morning sung by the MSU Accafella's group and to be really honest, I just want to share it... so here is the link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1bHLf7VIbU). It’s one of my all time favorite songs, and it's a pretty good version of it. Most importantly though, it’s done accapella and I think music done this way is one of the most beautiful things in the world (which is part of the reason I managed a recital hall for 2.5 years at Northern Michigan University.... this, and the live Jazz music). Besides this song though, it also reminded me of time in what I believe was my senior year in H.S.... whatever year the chamber singers was all girls for a semester. Whatever year it was, they performed an accapella version of Carol of the Bells for the holiday performance and, honest to God, it was so beautiful that it sticks with me to this day. I knew many of these women personally, and I knew they were talented, but something about that song that day that... I don't know. I'm truly at a loss of words. All I can say is that, despite my relative popularity in the theater, these singers were the kids that I wished I could be... these women were the one's that placed on a pedestal and didn't honestly think I was good enough to share a stage with. Anyway, when I heard this song this morning it reminded me of that day, and how if there was any one thing that I ever truly wanted in life it was to move or inspire people the way the Chamber women inspired me that day. Many times I get criticized for romancing my high school years, but to be honest there was something about those 4 years that have not been replicated in my life since. I know they were not perfect times but passion and inspiration was a daily part of my high school life. The people I spent the majority of my time with were dedicated to becoming better people, and trying to change the world to make lives better. Theater became a space for shared experience and discussion; a space to drop your insecurities and embrace the dream of a better world we all had inside. We had big plans, and from our opinions, enough talent to at least make an impact. There was a unity that we had, despite our differences, that truly made us believe that a better world was possible... and when I entered college, the supposed realm of theoretical-idealist exploration where we were to learn the upper levels of our dreams and ambitions, it was all lost. I really only met 2 people in college who were dedicated to trying to become better people and to inspire in others to change the world. So, despite the claims of many of my friends, I actually think that High School has been the best 4 years of my life thus far. I hope it doesn't stay that way, and I hope someday I can find the ability to inspire people the way that this small group of women inspired me 7 years ago, because I still believe it’s possible despite the daily negativity that my academic field bestows on me... and maybe music has an important role to play... who knows... but I hope some day to work with a group of people this passionate again.
Anyway, in the midst of my academic distress I came across this song, and this memory, and it's managed to put a smile on my face so I wanted to share this little piece of me. And if any of the Chamber women happen to read this, thank you.
