An Insubstantial Absence of Reflexive Content

Over the last few months I have been trying to think of something to write about for this blog, and ideas have come and gone but obviously I haven’t gotten my thoughts together enough to post anything. To give you a brief update, nothing has really changed. Work is still ill-defined; the people are still very cool but the projects are still nebulous and provide no feeling of satisfaction. As before, things continue to change weekly so I hold out hope that things will get better over time. There is some talk of big changes soon, but then again I suppose that kind of talk has been going on since I walked through the doors. That seems to be what we do though. Talk. I can’t say we’ve ever really gotten anything done. At least not the project I’ve worked on. Anyway…

Other than that I’m currently prepping for a big move. I’m moving out of my current house-share and into a 2 bedroom apartment that Megan and I will share when she gets down here in May. We have a really nice l place picked out down in Lorton, VA and I’m really looking forward to finally having a place of our own. I know at one point we owned enough furniture to fill an apartment but I guess over the last few years we have been slowly losing possessions, so the big game lately has been trying to acquire a handful of items to put into the apartment. Currently the search has focused on Craigslist but I will hopefully be buying real furniture in the near future, although we have decided to avoid big purchases until Megan finds a job down here. She has received a lot of good feedback from potential employers so we’re optimistic, but she doesn’t have anything solid yet. I have a feeling that once she is here though things will fall together. Anyway, that has pretty much been the update on the big move and after 3 years apart I am definitely looking forward to living in the same area as my fiancée.

Beyond that, the professional life has had an interesting impact on my psyche. A little while back (actually a previous failed attempt at a blog update) I had the realization that I’ve really wandered away from who I was in High School, or even who I was at NMU. I’ve lost touch with nature and it seems to have left a massive hole in my spirit. I’m still working though what this all means, but in the mean time here is a section of the previous unpublished post that I wrote during the event:

“I saw the stars tonight for the first time since I moved to the D.C. area. I have decided that this is not a commentary on the area but rather a commentary on a change in my behavior since I arrived here. At this point I suppose I should give you fair warning, I have no idea where this is going. Normally I at least have my general point worked out mentally before I start typing, but in this case, not so. Anyway, I just walked outside and the sky was beautiful, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen stars in awhile. This was weird to me because I remember how important nature was to me when I was younger. There were nights in Michigan when I would just hang outside and stare at the sky for a while, and without question I felt a connection to the environment. This was such a common experience for me that I’m sure I took it for granted, and that is probably why it’s been 7 months and it wasn’t until now that I realized this was missing from my life. I’m not 100% sure what this means yet but I felt the need to share…”

So yeah, I guess if you want to know where my head is at these days that might be a pretty good read. For years I spent my free time thinking about the type of person I wanted to be; thinking about my place in the universe and my role in society. Lately it seems that these thoughts are not as frequent. I’ve lost sight of the something more and I’m beginning to think that maybe there is something about the city that forces our attention away from nature, and that this may in fact be a very bad thing for society. I feel like this theory requires more time and thought than I have at the moment so hopefully I can return to this soon. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong… maybe it’s not nature but Megan. Maybe our separation is the hole. I’m not sure but I guess if that is the case time will soon tell. But the bottom line is that I don’t have the same life focus I used to. I don’t feel like I am living life any more, when in reality I’m probably “living life” by society’s standard more so than I ever have before.

My buddy Craig said something one time that has stuck with me to this day. It was after he left for army training; we we’re talking about how life was different in the army because everything is provided. Despite the fact that he has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, he told me he disliked the army lifestyle because there was no risk. I laughed and asked him what the hell he meant, and he commented that the real challenge in life was trying to live… to play the everyday game of life and do it successfully. For years I thought there might be some truth to this but I’m living the dream and I’ve never felt so empty.

Anyway, this was not meant to be a downer piece, but rather just to express the state of confusion I currently find myself in. Make no mistake, I’m one lucky bastard, and I know it. I played the game, played it well actually, and I was lucky enough to find a job that actually pays me enough to “live the dream”… which is more than I can say for some of my colleagues, who I would argue might actually be more deserving. I also have a woman I love, who loves me in return, and somehow we managed to make it through 3 years of distance. If things go well and she secures a job here soon, we might actually be able to get our heads above water financially as well. In these times I could not imagine asking for more. I’m a lucky son of a bitch and I know it. I honestly just hope that someday I will have the opportunity to be able to give to others the opportunities that we’re given to me.

Despite this understanding, in the end I am left with the following thoughts: I need a job that allows me to work with people, to get things done, to help others get the things they need. I need to reconnect with nature because it is there that I have had my most spiritual awakenings and truly experienced the greatness of God. I need to be reconnected with my better half and to perhaps focus on a family… something greater than myself. I need to take a step back and reassess my life so I can figure out where I need to go next because I’ve played the game and beat the system, and it took me where society told me I needed to be, and it in and of itself is empty.