A Follow Up Letter to an Old Friend (Posted in the Name of Transparency)

"First and foremost, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Right after I told you I’d write more Megan and I lost both our apartment and the church for our wedding in one day, so I’ve been a little busy the last few days trying to get everything back on track. Luckily now things are. As I started saying in the previous e-mail though, I think your response is spot on. There is definitely a cycle and I am well aware of it, which is probably the most frustrating part of these reflections. There is an internal struggle between my two visions of what I believe life could/should be. That being said, I think you were a little off in your observation that I am consciously choosing to play by societies rules thinking that will lead me to happiness. Historically, I think it is accurate to state that I have chosen the safe path, but I do not think that I have ever thought it would lead me to emotional happiness. Actually, I think most of the time I have been fully aware that my choices would not likely lead me to emotional happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this statement lately to make sure this is really accurate, and I believe it is. It seems a little weird I suppose, but as I think back on the choices I have made and the reasons I have made them personal happiness was never the primary reason (except, perhaps, my decision to marry Megan). So I guess logically I should stop complaining because I made my choices knowing what the logical outcome would be, but then again I suppose knowing that doesn’t end the feeling of the void…

Anyway, so the next question then is why did I make the choices I did if personal happiness was not the motive? You expressed to me that you didn’t understand many of the major life choices I made over the last few years, and although you did not ask for an explanation I thought perhaps you might be interested in the why. Sadly, I suppose, both major decisions you referred to were made purely on financial motives. When Miami made me the offer it was the only job offer I had received. With student loans needing to be repaid and my father newly unemployed, my only other option was to return home and put another strain on my parents while I tried to find another job. Also, if I found another job odds are it would be in Ann Arbor and I knew that Megan didn’t want to move to Ann Arbor at that point because it is not a good environment for her to find theater work. So when Miami gave the offer the choice seemed pretty obvious. Yes, I knew that going back to school would help advance my career in the long run and I thought that it might eventually help me get a job I love, but at the time the choice was purely a financial one. Also, I have a personal feeling of responsibility to be as successful as I can be so that I will have the means to take care of my loved ones, and I figured this would help me reach that point (or at least increase my odds). I guess I could also say I made the choice to go to USACE for the exact same reasons. Again, I had peppered the New England region with resumes but only really had one offer, and although it was not my dream job it pays me enough to take care of my debt and might eventually allow me to help out my family. I love them all so I’m doing what I can to position myself in a way that might allow me to take care of them when the time comes. Also, D.C. is an environment where Megan’s likelihood of theatrical employment is pretty good, so when that offer came it seemed like a good place to finally start our professional lives together.

Despite me previous post the interesting thing is that I don’t think I’d change a thing even if I had it to do all over again. Despite the fact that I am not satisfied with most of the aspects of my life right now, I am proud to say that I am doing everything I can to take care of my business. As discussed before, there are 2 very different world views within me that are constantly in conflict, and because of that I’m fairly certain that regardless of where I am at I am likely going to be unhappy because one half of my personal philosophies will not be being fulfilled. That being said, I think I’ve chosen well because at least this way I am able to pay the bills, put food on the table and a roof over our heads, pay down our debt, provide healthcare to my loved ones, etc. If I had chosen the other path then perhaps I could have felt better about going to my job every morning, but I likely would have been stressed at the end of the day because I would be constantly stuck behind the debt, living paycheck to pay check and never really being able to get ahead in the game. While I know there are more important things in life than money, it is sadly something that is very important to me and has a very significant impact on my emotional stability and anxiety. If I’m going to have to live with internal conflict regardless of my life choice, I might as well be able to put a roof over my head and take care of my loved ones financially.

I don’t know… I am sure this is a little weird given who I was back in the day, but all things considered I think I’m doing pretty well. Maybe I should put out more of these emotions in the blog because I know I only tend to write when I’m stressed out and in a poor mood. The bottom line is that I still have many of those same characteristics that I used to express. I still want to help people, and I think I do, just in a different way these days. Several people at work have already told me that they confide in me, and I know I played a similar role with my cohorts at Miami. I very much enjoy this role when I get to play it. There is something about providing things to people I care about that makes me happy, even if the means of provision are often less than fulfilling.

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure where this is going (which I guess is a characteristic of most of my writing) but there it is. I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t think my problems are a lack of listening to my guts. I actually think I’m probably one of the most self-reflexive people I know… but I guess if you don’t know the debate going on in my head (which I wouldn’t really expect anyone to know) then perhaps my decisions can seem a little irrational at times."

As always your thoughts, comments, and questions are welcome.