A Beautiful Memory

So I know I have taken this blog thing as kind of a ranting space, which has been helpful to me at times, but I also know that this makes this blog something of a downer to read (besides the fact that I am usually so busy that I fail to follow up on my intentions... i.e. the New School/NYU discussion). Anyway, a little while back I was flipping through some blogs of old friends on mine from High School and I realized that perhaps I should put something a little more personal in here, since perhaps some of you may be interested in who I have become over the last 6-7 years, as I was with the people who's blogs I was flipping through. I wrote a couple of different draft post but most of them were insanely long and tended to lose focus about half way through, so they never made the cut. Today, however, I'm writing just because I feel the need to talk and hopefully the thoughts on my mind will provide that personal insight I was hoping for.

So, yesterday I was informed that my summer funding was no longer a guarantee and that, despite the fact that I have an apartment lease through August, I will not likely have an income if I am forced to stay in Oxford to finish my M.A. this summer. Moreover, I am scheduled to present my work at the national conference of the AAG in Las Vegas in a few weeks and I have not come close to finalizing my conclusions. I am in a high stress long distance relationship with my with fiancé' who is roughly 1100 miles away, and since we are both broke we are about to enter an even higher stress period of our relationship since we are not sure when or how we might ever manage to get jobs in the same city again with this economy. Finally, this semester I was informed that at the age of 24 my anxiety had finally caught up to me and I now have hypertension, so all this stress could, in all reality, actually kill me. I know this seems like a bit of a downer start when I started this post saying that I didn't want it to always go in that route, but the reason I say this is because I am at that point where I'm breaking down (not worries, its temporary... happens most semesters as I’m sure any one of you who have been through college understands) and, as I did back in High School, I find myself drowning myself in music. I came across this version of the song "Hallelujah" this morning sung by the MSU Accafella's group and to be really honest, I just want to share it... so here is the link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1bHLf7VIbU). It’s one of my all time favorite songs, and it's a pretty good version of it. Most importantly though, it’s done accapella and I think music done this way is one of the most beautiful things in the world (which is part of the reason I managed a recital hall for 2.5 years at Northern Michigan University.... this, and the live Jazz music). Besides this song though, it also reminded me of time in what I believe was my senior year in H.S.... whatever year the chamber singers was all girls for a semester. Whatever year it was, they performed an accapella version of Carol of the Bells for the holiday performance and, honest to God, it was so beautiful that it sticks with me to this day. I knew many of these women personally, and I knew they were talented, but something about that song that day that... I don't know. I'm truly at a loss of words. All I can say is that, despite my relative popularity in the theater, these singers were the kids that I wished I could be... these women were the one's that placed on a pedestal and didn't honestly think I was good enough to share a stage with. Anyway, when I heard this song this morning it reminded me of that day, and how if there was any one thing that I ever truly wanted in life it was to move or inspire people the way the Chamber women inspired me that day. Many times I get criticized for romancing my high school years, but to be honest there was something about those 4 years that have not been replicated in my life since. I know they were not perfect times but passion and inspiration was a daily part of my high school life. The people I spent the majority of my time with were dedicated to becoming better people, and trying to change the world to make lives better. Theater became a space for shared experience and discussion; a space to drop your insecurities and embrace the dream of a better world we all had inside. We had big plans, and from our opinions, enough talent to at least make an impact. There was a unity that we had, despite our differences, that truly made us believe that a better world was possible... and when I entered college, the supposed realm of theoretical-idealist exploration where we were to learn the upper levels of our dreams and ambitions, it was all lost. I really only met 2 people in college who were dedicated to trying to become better people and to inspire in others to change the world. So, despite the claims of many of my friends, I actually think that High School has been the best 4 years of my life thus far. I hope it doesn't stay that way, and I hope someday I can find the ability to inspire people the way that this small group of women inspired me 7 years ago, because I still believe it’s possible despite the daily negativity that my academic field bestows on me... and maybe music has an important role to play... who knows... but I hope some day to work with a group of people this passionate again.

Anyway, in the midst of my academic distress I came across this song, and this memory, and it's managed to put a smile on my face so I wanted to share this little piece of me. And if any of the Chamber women happen to read this, thank you.