Tomorrow Brings Another Day...

Tomorrow is the big move, and I am currently sitting on the back porch watching the traffic speed by and listening to what I believe is the Zac Brown Band playing over the nearby high school stadium loud speaker. At this moment I am very content, and really I just wanted to tell all of you that. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end of my transitional period, and while I will miss living at Alan's place I am very excited to move into the place that Megan and I will soon be able to call home. 3 years. It's been 3 insanely long years and finally, after a handful of moves and some of the more stressful experiences of my life, I get to close this chapter and resume the life I had once again. After such a time apart I know it will be a long and challenging road, but I know it will be great. I am ready, and I am happy.

A Little Bit of Light Reading

These are not new theories so some of you may be familiar with some of them already, but here are two short articles about collective intelligence. If you have some free feel free to give them a read and then let me know what you think. Whatever you think... doesn't have to be some highly technical response. General impressions are just fine.

Using Games to Tap Collective Intelligence
http://www.edery.org/2006/09/using-games-to-tap-collective-intelligence/

Using Games to Tap Collective Intelligence (Part 2)
http://www.edery.org/2006/11/using-games-to-tap-collective-intelligence-part-2/

Also, if you have come across this stuff before and have any other good references to share, please let me know. Thanks!

More thoughts on this to come.

A Follow Up Letter to an Old Friend (Posted in the Name of Transparency)

"First and foremost, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Right after I told you I’d write more Megan and I lost both our apartment and the church for our wedding in one day, so I’ve been a little busy the last few days trying to get everything back on track. Luckily now things are. As I started saying in the previous e-mail though, I think your response is spot on. There is definitely a cycle and I am well aware of it, which is probably the most frustrating part of these reflections. There is an internal struggle between my two visions of what I believe life could/should be. That being said, I think you were a little off in your observation that I am consciously choosing to play by societies rules thinking that will lead me to happiness. Historically, I think it is accurate to state that I have chosen the safe path, but I do not think that I have ever thought it would lead me to emotional happiness. Actually, I think most of the time I have been fully aware that my choices would not likely lead me to emotional happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this statement lately to make sure this is really accurate, and I believe it is. It seems a little weird I suppose, but as I think back on the choices I have made and the reasons I have made them personal happiness was never the primary reason (except, perhaps, my decision to marry Megan). So I guess logically I should stop complaining because I made my choices knowing what the logical outcome would be, but then again I suppose knowing that doesn’t end the feeling of the void…

Anyway, so the next question then is why did I make the choices I did if personal happiness was not the motive? You expressed to me that you didn’t understand many of the major life choices I made over the last few years, and although you did not ask for an explanation I thought perhaps you might be interested in the why. Sadly, I suppose, both major decisions you referred to were made purely on financial motives. When Miami made me the offer it was the only job offer I had received. With student loans needing to be repaid and my father newly unemployed, my only other option was to return home and put another strain on my parents while I tried to find another job. Also, if I found another job odds are it would be in Ann Arbor and I knew that Megan didn’t want to move to Ann Arbor at that point because it is not a good environment for her to find theater work. So when Miami gave the offer the choice seemed pretty obvious. Yes, I knew that going back to school would help advance my career in the long run and I thought that it might eventually help me get a job I love, but at the time the choice was purely a financial one. Also, I have a personal feeling of responsibility to be as successful as I can be so that I will have the means to take care of my loved ones, and I figured this would help me reach that point (or at least increase my odds). I guess I could also say I made the choice to go to USACE for the exact same reasons. Again, I had peppered the New England region with resumes but only really had one offer, and although it was not my dream job it pays me enough to take care of my debt and might eventually allow me to help out my family. I love them all so I’m doing what I can to position myself in a way that might allow me to take care of them when the time comes. Also, D.C. is an environment where Megan’s likelihood of theatrical employment is pretty good, so when that offer came it seemed like a good place to finally start our professional lives together.

Despite me previous post the interesting thing is that I don’t think I’d change a thing even if I had it to do all over again. Despite the fact that I am not satisfied with most of the aspects of my life right now, I am proud to say that I am doing everything I can to take care of my business. As discussed before, there are 2 very different world views within me that are constantly in conflict, and because of that I’m fairly certain that regardless of where I am at I am likely going to be unhappy because one half of my personal philosophies will not be being fulfilled. That being said, I think I’ve chosen well because at least this way I am able to pay the bills, put food on the table and a roof over our heads, pay down our debt, provide healthcare to my loved ones, etc. If I had chosen the other path then perhaps I could have felt better about going to my job every morning, but I likely would have been stressed at the end of the day because I would be constantly stuck behind the debt, living paycheck to pay check and never really being able to get ahead in the game. While I know there are more important things in life than money, it is sadly something that is very important to me and has a very significant impact on my emotional stability and anxiety. If I’m going to have to live with internal conflict regardless of my life choice, I might as well be able to put a roof over my head and take care of my loved ones financially.

I don’t know… I am sure this is a little weird given who I was back in the day, but all things considered I think I’m doing pretty well. Maybe I should put out more of these emotions in the blog because I know I only tend to write when I’m stressed out and in a poor mood. The bottom line is that I still have many of those same characteristics that I used to express. I still want to help people, and I think I do, just in a different way these days. Several people at work have already told me that they confide in me, and I know I played a similar role with my cohorts at Miami. I very much enjoy this role when I get to play it. There is something about providing things to people I care about that makes me happy, even if the means of provision are often less than fulfilling.

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure where this is going (which I guess is a characteristic of most of my writing) but there it is. I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t think my problems are a lack of listening to my guts. I actually think I’m probably one of the most self-reflexive people I know… but I guess if you don’t know the debate going on in my head (which I wouldn’t really expect anyone to know) then perhaps my decisions can seem a little irrational at times."

As always your thoughts, comments, and questions are welcome.

An Insubstantial Absence of Reflexive Content

Over the last few months I have been trying to think of something to write about for this blog, and ideas have come and gone but obviously I haven’t gotten my thoughts together enough to post anything. To give you a brief update, nothing has really changed. Work is still ill-defined; the people are still very cool but the projects are still nebulous and provide no feeling of satisfaction. As before, things continue to change weekly so I hold out hope that things will get better over time. There is some talk of big changes soon, but then again I suppose that kind of talk has been going on since I walked through the doors. That seems to be what we do though. Talk. I can’t say we’ve ever really gotten anything done. At least not the project I’ve worked on. Anyway…

Other than that I’m currently prepping for a big move. I’m moving out of my current house-share and into a 2 bedroom apartment that Megan and I will share when she gets down here in May. We have a really nice l place picked out down in Lorton, VA and I’m really looking forward to finally having a place of our own. I know at one point we owned enough furniture to fill an apartment but I guess over the last few years we have been slowly losing possessions, so the big game lately has been trying to acquire a handful of items to put into the apartment. Currently the search has focused on Craigslist but I will hopefully be buying real furniture in the near future, although we have decided to avoid big purchases until Megan finds a job down here. She has received a lot of good feedback from potential employers so we’re optimistic, but she doesn’t have anything solid yet. I have a feeling that once she is here though things will fall together. Anyway, that has pretty much been the update on the big move and after 3 years apart I am definitely looking forward to living in the same area as my fiancée.

Beyond that, the professional life has had an interesting impact on my psyche. A little while back (actually a previous failed attempt at a blog update) I had the realization that I’ve really wandered away from who I was in High School, or even who I was at NMU. I’ve lost touch with nature and it seems to have left a massive hole in my spirit. I’m still working though what this all means, but in the mean time here is a section of the previous unpublished post that I wrote during the event:

“I saw the stars tonight for the first time since I moved to the D.C. area. I have decided that this is not a commentary on the area but rather a commentary on a change in my behavior since I arrived here. At this point I suppose I should give you fair warning, I have no idea where this is going. Normally I at least have my general point worked out mentally before I start typing, but in this case, not so. Anyway, I just walked outside and the sky was beautiful, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen stars in awhile. This was weird to me because I remember how important nature was to me when I was younger. There were nights in Michigan when I would just hang outside and stare at the sky for a while, and without question I felt a connection to the environment. This was such a common experience for me that I’m sure I took it for granted, and that is probably why it’s been 7 months and it wasn’t until now that I realized this was missing from my life. I’m not 100% sure what this means yet but I felt the need to share…”

So yeah, I guess if you want to know where my head is at these days that might be a pretty good read. For years I spent my free time thinking about the type of person I wanted to be; thinking about my place in the universe and my role in society. Lately it seems that these thoughts are not as frequent. I’ve lost sight of the something more and I’m beginning to think that maybe there is something about the city that forces our attention away from nature, and that this may in fact be a very bad thing for society. I feel like this theory requires more time and thought than I have at the moment so hopefully I can return to this soon. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong… maybe it’s not nature but Megan. Maybe our separation is the hole. I’m not sure but I guess if that is the case time will soon tell. But the bottom line is that I don’t have the same life focus I used to. I don’t feel like I am living life any more, when in reality I’m probably “living life” by society’s standard more so than I ever have before.

My buddy Craig said something one time that has stuck with me to this day. It was after he left for army training; we we’re talking about how life was different in the army because everything is provided. Despite the fact that he has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, he told me he disliked the army lifestyle because there was no risk. I laughed and asked him what the hell he meant, and he commented that the real challenge in life was trying to live… to play the everyday game of life and do it successfully. For years I thought there might be some truth to this but I’m living the dream and I’ve never felt so empty.

Anyway, this was not meant to be a downer piece, but rather just to express the state of confusion I currently find myself in. Make no mistake, I’m one lucky bastard, and I know it. I played the game, played it well actually, and I was lucky enough to find a job that actually pays me enough to “live the dream”… which is more than I can say for some of my colleagues, who I would argue might actually be more deserving. I also have a woman I love, who loves me in return, and somehow we managed to make it through 3 years of distance. If things go well and she secures a job here soon, we might actually be able to get our heads above water financially as well. In these times I could not imagine asking for more. I’m a lucky son of a bitch and I know it. I honestly just hope that someday I will have the opportunity to be able to give to others the opportunities that we’re given to me.

Despite this understanding, in the end I am left with the following thoughts: I need a job that allows me to work with people, to get things done, to help others get the things they need. I need to reconnect with nature because it is there that I have had my most spiritual awakenings and truly experienced the greatness of God. I need to be reconnected with my better half and to perhaps focus on a family… something greater than myself. I need to take a step back and reassess my life so I can figure out where I need to go next because I’ve played the game and beat the system, and it took me where society told me I needed to be, and it in and of itself is empty.