As many of you know I have been blogging on and off for the last few years, however recently it’s been more “off” than “on”. As you may have figured out though, the lack of ranting is probably a good thing. Yes, I am still highly critical of our society and would love the opportunity to enact some change in our culture, but ever since Megan moved to D.C. and we got married last August I’ve (1) had someone to talk to every day so I haven’t felt the need to rant as much via the interwebz and (2) I’ve generally been pretty happy with life. It’s kind of amazing how all that works. Anyway, I still like the idea of the blog and so I have moved to tumblr to start again. Recently I've taken to writing my thoughts out through book reviews on Amazon.com, and since we have started to move away from watching T.V. (we finally canceled the cable subscription) I’ve been working through books faster than I can post about them. Since I can’t set up a wood working shop in an apartment tower, I’ve also started baking again as a means to satisfy the part of me that misses being a craftsman. If things go well, I might even venture into indoor agriculture when we have a little extra money. Since these have been the thoughts that have occupied my free time lately these are the things I intend to focus on with the new blog, rather than just using the space as a place to rant. I suspect I have some skeptics after this somewhat failed attempt, but we’ll see if I can make this last.
Anyway, if you would like to follow me at my new link you can find me at pauldholeva.tumblr.com. It's the start of a new chapter and I hope to see you there.
I think just about every week Megan tells me that she is disappointed that I haven't posted anything new in several months. I tell her it's largely her fault because she moved in with me, and now I get to talk to her about my thoughts each night rather than post them on the interweb. Regardless, I suppose there may be a few of you who still have this blog saved in some RSS/blog program, so I've decided to repost a comment I made on the AAG LinkedIn page the other day, responding to a comment about the importance of Geography and it's steady decline in our universities. Don't worry that this is reposted out of context, there really wasn't much to take from the rest of the discussion.
"First, I have to agree with Rick Marshall. I truly believe geography and/or geographic concepts are now more prevalent in our everyday lives, however I would suggest that it is this prevalence that has made "geography" as a discipline less significant in the minds of the future generation. As a young professional Geographer I can tell you that one of the things that attracted me to this discipline was its ease of application to my life. I grew up with the internet so the significance of place (and the differences that are associated with different places) became apparent to me at an early age. I could see the world from the corner of my house. While this helped my understanding of spatial distribution at a young age, it also taught me that distance (and therefore space) was not a significant obstacle to exploration or understanding. Technology has made the world smaller, and more accessible, to the people who can access the network. While it may be interesting to discuss how technology has changed our perception of space and time, the problem may be that it has also taken away the significance of "place". The functional world is becoming digital. Whether I am in D.C. or Bangkok I can access the same virtual spaces, the same communication tools, the same information sources, and talk to the same people... and I can do this no matter where they are. As a result, some have suggested then that there is now a new, virtual geography for geographers to explore, but the problems/complexities of this new geography are no longer specialized. Since just about everyone in the developed world now interacts, to at least some degree, with this virtual environment, the problems which were originally left to the professional geographers are now being negotiated by all of its users. It's not a specialized discipline when everyone does it, and while I know this is not a new threat to the discipline it may become a more significant threat by the fact that technology is simultaneously making traditional geography less significant while also allowing users to create the new geography themselves in a virtual environment. There is no need to study geography as a formal academic discipline when the world it looks at is outdated, and the new virtual geography is known and understood at a very young age.
We are going to have to confront these problems if we wish to to continue as a formal, respected discipline, and to recruit a future generation of geographers to follow in our footsteps."
Let me follow-up by saying that I hope I am wrong about the direction my chosen discipline is heading, although I cannot deny what I am seeing this current wave of technology do to our culture. Although I think it is great that people have almost instant access to information to make informed decisions, I also cannot deny that it has had a negative affect on human attention spans, average memory response times, the social politics of (and psychological health associated with) human interaction, and the psychological and emotional stress that results from the lack of "instance gratification" in areas of our life not controlled by electronic stimulation. Moreover, our senses our being dulled because we only have one primary type of stimulation in our lives now, and that is electronic. Yes, we can see, explore, and interact with real world entities through the use of these electronics, however the direct physical and psychological interaction that we are experiencing is only with the electronic device and the soft glow of it's LCD touch screen. We are not digital entities. We are living, breathing, emotional entities that have evolved from a natural environment, not a virtual one, and all of our biological and chemical devices that have genetically evolved to give us a full life of diverse experiences are being truncated by our consumeristic desires to have more, and to have it faster. Perhaps we don't notice the change anymore because everyone is changing together, and it is changing at such a rate that a single generation cannot observe the effects that its technology had on them before a new technology takes over and no one can identify what tool had what impact on it's user group.
Before I venture too far down that road I should say that I am not against all technology. Many technologies have dramatically improved our lives by helping us maintain a clean, safe, and healthy environment. However, I do not buy into this idea of "progress" and that we are moving forward towards some inevitably technological utopia that is supposed to better the lives of all of its users. Technology is supposed to help us, and at a certain point I think the balance between help and hurt shifted, perhaps without our conscious understanding of what was going on. The use of technology should be a conscious decision, and these days I'm not sure that it is, at least not to the upcoming generation whose members are trying to identify the skills necessary to get a successful job so they to can pursue the American Dream. Even if we cannot reverse the impact that some of the existing technology has done to our society, I think we should at least be cognitively aware of the choices we are making when we blindly accept new technologies as "good". The adaptation of technology should be a conscious, informed decision. Perhaps it's the fact that no one seems to be having this discussion that concerns me most...
Tomorrow is the big move, and I am currently sitting on the back porch watching the traffic speed by and listening to what I believe is the Zac Brown Band playing over the nearby high school stadium loud speaker. At this moment I am very content, and really I just wanted to tell all of you that. Tomorrow marks the beginning of the end of my transitional period, and while I will miss living at Alan's place I am very excited to move into the place that Megan and I will soon be able to call home. 3 years. It's been 3 insanely long years and finally, after a handful of moves and some of the more stressful experiences of my life, I get to close this chapter and resume the life I had once again. After such a time apart I know it will be a long and challenging road, but I know it will be great. I am ready, and I am happy.
These are not new theories so some of you may be familiar with some of them already, but here are two short articles about collective intelligence. If you have some free feel free to give them a read and then let me know what you think. Whatever you think... doesn't have to be some highly technical response. General impressions are just fine.
Using Games to Tap Collective Intelligence http://www.edery.org/2006/09/using-games-to-tap-collective-intelligence/
Using Games to Tap Collective Intelligence (Part 2) http://www.edery.org/2006/11/using-games-to-tap-collective-intelligence-part-2/
Also, if you have come across this stuff before and have any other good references to share, please let me know. Thanks!
"First and foremost, my apologies for taking so long to reply. Right after I told you I’d write more Megan and I lost both our apartment and the church for our wedding in one day, so I’ve been a little busy the last few days trying to get everything back on track. Luckily now things are. As I started saying in the previous e-mail though, I think your response is spot on. There is definitely a cycle and I am well aware of it, which is probably the most frustrating part of these reflections. There is an internal struggle between my two visions of what I believe life could/should be. That being said, I think you were a little off in your observation that I am consciously choosing to play by societies rules thinking that will lead me to happiness. Historically, I think it is accurate to state that I have chosen the safe path, but I do not think that I have ever thought it would lead me to emotional happiness. Actually, I think most of the time I have been fully aware that my choices would not likely lead me to emotional happiness. I’ve thought a lot about this statement lately to make sure this is really accurate, and I believe it is. It seems a little weird I suppose, but as I think back on the choices I have made and the reasons I have made them personal happiness was never the primary reason (except, perhaps, my decision to marry Megan). So I guess logically I should stop complaining because I made my choices knowing what the logical outcome would be, but then again I suppose knowing that doesn’t end the feeling of the void…
Anyway, so the next question then is why did I make the choices I did if personal happiness was not the motive? You expressed to me that you didn’t understand many of the major life choices I made over the last few years, and although you did not ask for an explanation I thought perhaps you might be interested in the why. Sadly, I suppose, both major decisions you referred to were made purely on financial motives. When Miami made me the offer it was the only job offer I had received. With student loans needing to be repaid and my father newly unemployed, my only other option was to return home and put another strain on my parents while I tried to find another job. Also, if I found another job odds are it would be in Ann Arbor and I knew that Megan didn’t want to move to Ann Arbor at that point because it is not a good environment for her to find theater work. So when Miami gave the offer the choice seemed pretty obvious. Yes, I knew that going back to school would help advance my career in the long run and I thought that it might eventually help me get a job I love, but at the time the choice was purely a financial one. Also, I have a personal feeling of responsibility to be as successful as I can be so that I will have the means to take care of my loved ones, and I figured this would help me reach that point (or at least increase my odds). I guess I could also say I made the choice to go to USACE for the exact same reasons. Again, I had peppered the New England region with resumes but only really had one offer, and although it was not my dream job it pays me enough to take care of my debt and might eventually allow me to help out my family. I love them all so I’m doing what I can to position myself in a way that might allow me to take care of them when the time comes. Also, D.C. is an environment where Megan’s likelihood of theatrical employment is pretty good, so when that offer came it seemed like a good place to finally start our professional lives together.
Despite me previous post the interesting thing is that I don’t think I’d change a thing even if I had it to do all over again. Despite the fact that I am not satisfied with most of the aspects of my life right now, I am proud to say that I am doing everything I can to take care of my business. As discussed before, there are 2 very different world views within me that are constantly in conflict, and because of that I’m fairly certain that regardless of where I am at I am likely going to be unhappy because one half of my personal philosophies will not be being fulfilled. That being said, I think I’ve chosen well because at least this way I am able to pay the bills, put food on the table and a roof over our heads, pay down our debt, provide healthcare to my loved ones, etc. If I had chosen the other path then perhaps I could have felt better about going to my job every morning, but I likely would have been stressed at the end of the day because I would be constantly stuck behind the debt, living paycheck to pay check and never really being able to get ahead in the game. While I know there are more important things in life than money, it is sadly something that is very important to me and has a very significant impact on my emotional stability and anxiety. If I’m going to have to live with internal conflict regardless of my life choice, I might as well be able to put a roof over my head and take care of my loved ones financially.
I don’t know… I am sure this is a little weird given who I was back in the day, but all things considered I think I’m doing pretty well. Maybe I should put out more of these emotions in the blog because I know I only tend to write when I’m stressed out and in a poor mood. The bottom line is that I still have many of those same characteristics that I used to express. I still want to help people, and I think I do, just in a different way these days. Several people at work have already told me that they confide in me, and I know I played a similar role with my cohorts at Miami. I very much enjoy this role when I get to play it. There is something about providing things to people I care about that makes me happy, even if the means of provision are often less than fulfilling.
Anyway, I’m not entirely sure where this is going (which I guess is a characteristic of most of my writing) but there it is. I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t think my problems are a lack of listening to my guts. I actually think I’m probably one of the most self-reflexive people I know… but I guess if you don’t know the debate going on in my head (which I wouldn’t really expect anyone to know) then perhaps my decisions can seem a little irrational at times."
As always your thoughts, comments, and questions are welcome.
Over the last few months I have been trying to think of something to write about for this blog, and ideas have come and gone but obviously I haven’t gotten my thoughts together enough to post anything. To give you a brief update, nothing has really changed. Work is still ill-defined; the people are still very cool but the projects are still nebulous and provide no feeling of satisfaction. As before, things continue to change weekly so I hold out hope that things will get better over time. There is some talk of big changes soon, but then again I suppose that kind of talk has been going on since I walked through the doors. That seems to be what we do though. Talk. I can’t say we’ve ever really gotten anything done. At least not the project I’ve worked on. Anyway…
Other than that I’m currently prepping for a big move. I’m moving out of my current house-share and into a 2 bedroom apartment that Megan and I will share when she gets down here in May. We have a really nice l place picked out down in Lorton, VA and I’m really looking forward to finally having a place of our own. I know at one point we owned enough furniture to fill an apartment but I guess over the last few years we have been slowly losing possessions, so the big game lately has been trying to acquire a handful of items to put into the apartment. Currently the search has focused on Craigslist but I will hopefully be buying real furniture in the near future, although we have decided to avoid big purchases until Megan finds a job down here. She has received a lot of good feedback from potential employers so we’re optimistic, but she doesn’t have anything solid yet. I have a feeling that once she is here though things will fall together. Anyway, that has pretty much been the update on the big move and after 3 years apart I am definitely looking forward to living in the same area as my fiancée.
Beyond that, the professional life has had an interesting impact on my psyche. A little while back (actually a previous failed attempt at a blog update) I had the realization that I’ve really wandered away from who I was in High School, or even who I was at NMU. I’ve lost touch with nature and it seems to have left a massive hole in my spirit. I’m still working though what this all means, but in the mean time here is a section of the previous unpublished post that I wrote during the event:
“I saw the stars tonight for the first time since I moved to the D.C. area. I have decided that this is not a commentary on the area but rather a commentary on a change in my behavior since I arrived here. At this point I suppose I should give you fair warning, I have no idea where this is going. Normally I at least have my general point worked out mentally before I start typing, but in this case, not so. Anyway, I just walked outside and the sky was beautiful, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen stars in awhile. This was weird to me because I remember how important nature was to me when I was younger. There were nights in Michigan when I would just hang outside and stare at the sky for a while, and without question I felt a connection to the environment. This was such a common experience for me that I’m sure I took it for granted, and that is probably why it’s been 7 months and it wasn’t until now that I realized this was missing from my life. I’m not 100% sure what this means yet but I felt the need to share…”
So yeah, I guess if you want to know where my head is at these days that might be a pretty good read. For years I spent my free time thinking about the type of person I wanted to be; thinking about my place in the universe and my role in society. Lately it seems that these thoughts are not as frequent. I’ve lost sight of the something more and I’m beginning to think that maybe there is something about the city that forces our attention away from nature, and that this may in fact be a very bad thing for society. I feel like this theory requires more time and thought than I have at the moment so hopefully I can return to this soon. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong… maybe it’s not nature but Megan. Maybe our separation is the hole. I’m not sure but I guess if that is the case time will soon tell. But the bottom line is that I don’t have the same life focus I used to. I don’t feel like I am living life any more, when in reality I’m probably “living life” by society’s standard more so than I ever have before.
My buddy Craig said something one time that has stuck with me to this day. It was after he left for army training; we we’re talking about how life was different in the army because everything is provided. Despite the fact that he has one of the most dangerous jobs in the world, he told me he disliked the army lifestyle because there was no risk. I laughed and asked him what the hell he meant, and he commented that the real challenge in life was trying to live… to play the everyday game of life and do it successfully. For years I thought there might be some truth to this but I’m living the dream and I’ve never felt so empty.
Anyway, this was not meant to be a downer piece, but rather just to express the state of confusion I currently find myself in. Make no mistake, I’m one lucky bastard, and I know it. I played the game, played it well actually, and I was lucky enough to find a job that actually pays me enough to “live the dream”… which is more than I can say for some of my colleagues, who I would argue might actually be more deserving. I also have a woman I love, who loves me in return, and somehow we managed to make it through 3 years of distance. If things go well and she secures a job here soon, we might actually be able to get our heads above water financially as well. In these times I could not imagine asking for more. I’m a lucky son of a bitch and I know it. I honestly just hope that someday I will have the opportunity to be able to give to others the opportunities that we’re given to me.
Despite this understanding, in the end I am left with the following thoughts: I need a job that allows me to work with people, to get things done, to help others get the things they need. I need to reconnect with nature because it is there that I have had my most spiritual awakenings and truly experienced the greatness of God. I need to be reconnected with my better half and to perhaps focus on a family… something greater than myself. I need to take a step back and reassess my life so I can figure out where I need to go next because I’ve played the game and beat the system, and it took me where society told me I needed to be, and it in and of itself is empty.
So it's been well over a month since my last post, and I think by now it is safe to say that I have a pretty good grasp of my new life (well at least for now, until Megan moves down here). So far, despite my promise to try and embrace this new opportunity, I'm still really not that into it. I mean, don't get me wrong, for a city I like Alexandria and D.C. has so much to offer. And the people I work with truly are great (without question they are the single best part about my new life) but something about it just doesn't feel right. I pursued a career with the government because I have this never ending urge to "serve", and one of the key things that everyone mentioned when I first met them in Vegas was the sense of pride they had in serving our troops ("those who serve our country"). However, since my arrival, I don't feel like I have done anything to serve anyone outside my building (and I hardly feel like I have accomplished anything for the people within my building either). It's hard to stay motivated when your job is to come in and search through doctrine to create a diagram that will likely never be seen by anyone outside my group, and then will very likely be shelved as a deliverable that no one asked for. I mean, I do have some work for a contractor which may be promising, but its still pretty much tech work and not really what I thought I was getting myself into. I relate more to the intelligence community than I do to the engineers, but unfortunately I was brought in to kind of bridge the gap between those 2 communities and I don't think that anyone really believes that's possible... people are just fighting change, and I have a very strong fear that the project I am on will fail to amount to anything useful, will lose funding, and then I will no longer have a place in this organization unless I learn a programming language or something. And to be honest, I think I would rather be jobless then become a strictly tech guy (and no offense to those of you who enjoy the tech stuff. You do great things; it's just not for me). So I guess we'll see what happens... I hope that when I eventually move myself into an administrative position (project leadership, etc.) then things will become a little more fulfilling for me, and maybe that will change things for the better... but for now it's becoming difficult to push myself through the day. I just have to keep reminding myself that I came in during a "transitional period" and that once things get moving under the new leadership, I'll have a chance to begin shaping the project myself and hopefully then I will have more of a personal investment in my work.
Other than that, life has really been pretty good. This weekend was Oktoberfest at the base and it was a great time... good food, live music, and several of my work colleagues who we're very enjoyable to hang out with. I have also recently fallen into a new camera, so I have decided to work on photography as a new hobby. One of my fellow colleagues, Jason, is an avid photographer so hopefully he can show me a few things and I can stimulate my creative side a little after work. Hmmm... I don't think much else noteworthy has happened, except for a few trips into the district. Last weekend there was a buffalo wing competition to support the D.C. Firefighters Burn Foundation, so I happily contributed to that worthy cause and got several hours of great food to boot. Alan also dragged me into the District that weekend as well to show me a little of the D.C. nightlife, which was also a good time... and happily there are no major noteworthy stories (read "arrests") from that evening.
So yeah, as you can see I really have very little to complain about regarding this new life, other than the fact that something just doesn't feel right. I miss the nature. I miss long rides through the lands "inbetween the places". I miss just walking the shoreline when I was bored, and working my thoughts to the shallow crash of waves against the docks. I miss the feel of a small town with a shared history. D.C. definitely has a history but it's a transitional one... I get the feeling that people come to serve their time and then depart (much as I myself plan on doing), and then the next group comes in and remakes the wheel the way they see fit. It's a healthy business model I suppose since there will always be jobs correcting the previous groups "mistakes", but I often have the feeling of "nowhere" when I am here. Maybe it's just because I don't have a history here... but on second thought, it bothers me that I cannot find a "local neighborhood bar" anywhere around me. Where do the people who actually live here go? Isn't there a place that's not themed or geared for tourists? The local places are where you find the true feeling of the town... and frankly I'm not sure it exists here, at least not as I understand it (although I must accept that a shared transitional history is still a shared history, and it may just be something that I don't enjoy that others here do). Anyway, it was not my intention to rant about this tonight, but I suppose it's good to let the heart guide every now and then...
So, anyway, with that I end tonight and as always promise to try and provide more updates more often, but as always you should expect that I will fail in this task... so look back in a month or so and hopefully I'll have something new by then :). Until then I will say goodnight to dream of my small town life by the lake, and wonder if I'll ever be able to achieve it happily... friends by my side and a happy Megan... or if our desires are so different that compromise will take us places that neither of us wish to be... but I suppose that if we are lucky, we'll at least be together on the journey through nowhere. Hopefully that will be enough. I'm just not sure, but I suppose the uncertainty is life.
